SANCTIFICATION: A NEW FAMILY

(Part 1)

COLOSSIANS 3:18-19

DECEMBER 12, 1999

 

Attitudes toward marriage in our day are growing more and more cynical. One literary figure wrote, "Every man plays the fool once in his life, but to marry is playing the fool all of one's life." Evidently this man had a bad experience with marriage! Even children seem to be losing the concept of beauty in marriage. One little girl had been to see Cinderella. She was explaining the movie to an adult friend who told the little girl, "I know what happens at the end." "What?" she asked. "Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after." At which the young thinker replied, "Oh no, they didn't. They got married!" [Kent Hughes, The Supremacy of Christ,115-116]. With these kinds of ideas unfortunately prevalent concerning marriage, it is important that Christians recapture the biblical pattern for marriage. 


Marriage contains mystery. That was Paul's assertion as he described marriage to the Ephesians: "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." He had quoted Genesis 2:24, that explains the marital union and the mystery of the husband and wife becoming one flesh. That was a great mystery! But the greater mystery is what it represents: Christ and the Church. As Paul unfolds the great mystery of marriage, he infers that it was planned in the purpose of God to be a visible testimony of the relationship between Christ and his bride, the Church. The patriarchs did not understand the mystery that was yet to unfold. Nor did the others who followed, until Christ, in the fullness of redeeming love, called his bride out of the world and unto himself. Paul's assertion is that when God designed marriage in the first place, he had in mind Christ and the Church. 

 

If this is so, then the commands and order related to marriage are not cultural accommodations that have no bearing on our society. Instead, the portrait of marriage set forth in the New Testament offers the timeless model for every Christian marriage. How can our marriages bear testimony to Christ and the Church? 

 

I. Sanctification and marriage


Keep in mind that Paul is continuing on the subject of sanctification. He is not moving to an unrelated area, but demonstrates in our text that the work of sanctification affects every relationship of life, especially the most intimate relationships. After speaking of husband and wife, Paul addresses children and parents, and then follows by explaining the duties of slaves and masters. For now, our attention will be upon husbands and wives. 

 

I want us to see the tie-in to sanctification before we look at the actual duties commanded. As we have noticed in the past several studies, the Apostle is explaining that sanctification involves not only a divine work taking place by the Holy Spirit, but the activity of the Christian as well. The believer does not profess faith in Christ then wait to be "carried to heaven on flowery beds of ease." He is to take action in his spiritual life. There are some things that he must die to, especially the sins that are ensnaring for the believer. He must lay aside the attitudes and practices of his unregenerate life. But he must also put on the graces that mirror those of Christ. 

 

Finally, Paul tells believers, "Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." It is in the framework of the "whatever you do in word or deed," that the commands for family life are set forth. Peter does the very same thing in the second and third chapters of I Peter. There he addresses the subject of  sanctification, with the marriage relationship being right in the center of his instructions on sanctified living.

 

Let me make a few observations. First, the progress of our sanctification may meet its severest tests in the home. It is not that the home is a bad place! Rather, typically in the home we let down our guard, take off the masks, and show the real self. In the church and even in the world, we can cover-up quite easily. But it is harder to do in the home. So there may be some who are well thought of in a work setting, but are difficult to live with in the home. We are reminded that our sanctification must include our home lives. As one writer expressed it, "Christian thinking has not become really Christian until it operates in our daily practice with those nearest to us" [Moulton, quoted by C. Vaughan, A Study Guide Commentary, 104]. 

 

Second, while our spiritual progress may be tested in the home, it can also be strengthened and boosted by our family life as family members take seriously the matter of sanctification. When believers are seeking to grow together in Christ as husbands and wives, parents and children, then they fortify themselves against the assaults of the world upon their faith. The home becomes the oasis in the desert of spiritual dryness. It serves to refresh and recharge the believing husband, wife, or child to face whatever comes their way. 

 

Third, sanctification does involve duty toward others. We cannot get away from this. We may try to somehow live in a vacuum, unaffected by everyone  else around us, but that is not real life. Just as the church is critical in the sanctification of the individual Christian, the family provides the most basic scene for exercising the details of spiritual progress. For even in the home, we will find those things to which we must die as well as those graces that we must put on. I do not think we do an injustice by using the word "duty" at this point. For as we mature spiritually, what may have been a duty in which we labored, becomes a delight and pleasure as we continue to develop into new men and women in Christ.  

 

II. Considerations for wives


In each of the three sets of instructions Paul gives, he begins with the subordinate position then moves on to the  one in authority. The reason for this is two-fold. First, the Bible teaches what has been called a "subordinationist ethic." By this, it explains that the only way that human society can keep from disintegrating is through a proper structure of authority and subordination. Human nature always rebels against such a God-given structure in every generation. 

 

Second, the wives, children, and slaves who had become believers were experiencing a newly found freedom, far beyond anything they could imagine. As those who were walking in liberty, they were not to misuse their freedom and thus scandalize the gospel. So Paul's instructions were to keep them walking in proper order, giving testimony to the beauty and symmetry of the gospel for all of life [Dick Lucas, BST, 158-159].     

 

Paul begins by writing, "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." This command has been much debated and even more maligned over the years, especially in the present century. Rather than defining its meaning from Scripture, it seems that many argue from the basis of experience or desire in order to interpret what this means. Paul does not give a lot of detail; he simply offers a command and a motivation for the command. Let us begin investigating this command by striking out the wrong inferences from it. There is no debate that submission has been abused in many cases. But these cases are not to be the judge for the liberating teaching of Scripture. 

 

Submission is not an issue of inferiority on the part of the woman. The Bible clearly teaches the equality of both genders. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28). We make a mistake when thinking that the word submission implies the idea of "a second string player" or "someone who does not have the stuff to be out front." There is no thought of those ideas in the biblical term. Instead, "it is an appeal to one who is equal by creation and redemption to submit to the authority God has ordained" [Peter O'Brien, Word Biblical Commentary, 168]. 

 

Submission is not a command for the husband to force submission. There is never even a hint of such an idea in the Scripture in which a man through conniving, brute force, manipulation, or mind-control can bring his wife into submission. It is not something the husband demands of his wife any more than she makes the demand that he love her. So we are not looking at ways to bring a wife into submission as we consider our text. 

 

We must remember that Paul was writing to Christians about how Christians might have truly Christian marriages. They were to live in the fullness of Christ in every aspect of life, including the home. I personally think that the only ones who can truly do what is commanded in this instance are believers, for submission and love are being done as unto the Lord. They are actions that have their roots in the grace of God and faith in Christ. 

 

Commentators are in agreement that the word "be subject" means to enter into a voluntary submission. Again, it is not forced, but something entered  into for the sake of the Lord, in obedience to him.

 

Submission does not mean submission to men in general, but only in a situation of leadership and authority. In other places we are told to be in subjection to the governing authorities and to submit ourselves for the Lord's sake to those who govern us (Rom. 13:1ff). We are also told to be in submission to those who shepherd us for they keep watch over our souls (Heb. 13:17; I Pet. 5:5). But there is no thought of submitting to men in general. So this does not call for women to be mousy or to shudder in fear of men or to view men as kings while they are mere subjects. Ephesians makes this very clear, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (5:22).     

 

Submission is typified in Jesus Christ's relationship to the Father. We firmly believe in the co-equality of the Son with the Father. Jesus declared, "I and the Father are one." There is no thought of inferiority in Christ though he is always viewed as under submission to the Father's authority (I Cor. 11:3; I Cor. 15:28). He came to earth by the Father's authority in sending him. He acted by the Father's authority in every miracle and sermon preached. He submitted to the Father's authority, as he became a propitiation for our sin. He said that he always did those things that pleased the Father. Was this wrong? Did Jesus get short-changed because of his submission to the Father, a  submission that continues in the orderliness of the Godhead? Of course not! Rather, we glory in the Son's submission to the Father for our sake. So why do we take this same term spoken of Christ that is applied in this context to wives in marriage, and make it into a cruel, derogatory term? I believe that the reason is a gross misunderstanding of submission. Rather  than seeing it as a reflection of the Son's love, loyalty, and delight in the Father, now applied to wives toward their husbands, we view it negatively. 

 

Submission has to do with proper order in marriage. By looking at Christ, I believe we can see that submission has nothing to do at all with inferiority or secondary position, rather one of order. If there is order in the Godhead, so that Christ is eternally submissive to the Father, then we too can live in this relationship in the home. While Ephesians brings out the husband's headship, Colossians only infers it through the term submission. It sets the stage for a family moving forward in their spiritual, mental, and social progress due to the leadership of the husband and the helpful submission of the wife. 

 

Let me hasten to add that this does not mean that the wife cannot offer her thoughts on a situation or even warn the husband of a danger he is about to encounter with a decision. A wife generally has a sixth sense about the ventures of life. Her counsel is invaluable and necessary for the husband. His headship does not imply that he has all the answers or knows all the right decisions to make. It does imply a matter of responsibility, which he must take seriously before God and therefore he is to seek the Lord in giving wise guidance and decision-making to his family. My thought on this is that the husband and wife ought to confer on decisions and situations they face, seek to have a consensus in their decisions, and with the husband bearing the final weight of responsibility. That is an orderly arrangement. 

 

Submission has to do with the recognition of authority in a divinely ordained institution. It is an acknowledgement of both the role of headship and the one under submission. Peter O'Brien points out that in the forty or more occurrences of the verb for submission or subjection in the NT, they all carry the "overtone of authority and subjection" [221]. The authority involved is not one of a despotic, dictatorial rule. Instead, it means that the husband is to be the one out front, paving the way for growth, maturity, development and progress for the family, with his wife gladly following his lead. 

 

Submission is an appropriate expression of the wife living under Christ's Lordship. The motivation for the wife's submission is due to it being "fitting in the Lord." The word means that it is the proper thing to do. It brings honor to Christ and is a clear reflection of his rule over your life. Titus was to tell the women on the Island of Crete to be "subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored" (Titus 2:5). Why is this so? It is because our natural tendency is to buck any kind of authority over our lives, in order to rule over our own selves. The orderliness of submission proves that love for Christ is first. The loyalty the wife demonstrates to her husband in submission also declares her faithfulness to him. Dick Lucas writes, "In his concept there is no possibility of a married woman's surrender to a heavenly Christ which is not made visible and actual by some submission to an earthly husband" [161]. By the same token, "The rule of Christ demands that a man serve his wife as the evidence that he is serving Christ" [Lucas, 162]. Orderly submission returns the wife to the role God established for the woman before the Fall. Her redemption through Christ does not eliminate submission, but rather makes it possible by the enabling work of the Spirit.    

 

III. Considerations for husbands


The biblical teaching on headship and submission is done in the context of Christian marriages. It is evident that the love required of husbands, "as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her," cannot be demonstrated apart from  a work of grace. The natural selfishness in man will take over. He will withdraw from his responsibility in the home, giving way to someone else to fill his wife's needs so that he can follow after his own self-centered  pursuits. So Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them." 

 

The command to love far exceeds what was common of marriage in Paul's  day. Had he used another word for "love," perhaps one that expressed  sexuality, then it would have fit well with the Greek and Roman minds. But in the term "agape," a selfless, serving, giving type of love without thought of  return was totally foreign to the marital lives of Greeks and Romans. Wives were often thought of as property. Typically, in the Greek world, wives had no part in the social activities of her husband. She was more of a recluse at  home while he frolicked in the sensualities of his day.  The husbands and wives did not even eat meals together. So Paul's command was radical! It expressed the work of sanctification going on in the believer, as he adopted  an attitude toward his wife that was totally foreign to his society. The Christian husband must not let society's standards (or lack of standards) on  marriage be his own. Instead, he must take the high road set forth in Scripture: love your wife. 

 

The command to love your wife implies that the husband is to be committed to total unselfishness in the relationship. He is told that the one "who loves his wife loves himself" (Eph. 5:28). He is to model his actions of love after that of Christ who unselfishly gave himself for his bride. The practical edge of such loves means that the husband is on the lookout for how he can best meet the needs of his wife. He seeks to nurture her, to care for her, to  help her enjoy marriage to the fullest. He labors to help her develop in spiritual and emotional maturity. His joy and delight is seeing the progress and growth in his wife. George Knight asks, "Just as Christ works to present His  church to Himself as a glorious bride in a glorious marriage, should not the husband work to make his wife glorious and their marriage glorious?" [J. Piper & W. Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 172].

 

A man cannot do this if his interests are seated upon other things. Nor can he nurture and care for her if he does not take time to talk with her and to listen to her. The time spent in focused attention increases the husbands capacity for 

loving his wife and the wife's great satisfaction and delight in  her husband.

 

Loving your wife demands sacrificial actions in giving to your wife. Jesus Christ "gave Himself" for the Church. It was a sacrifice of his life and a willingness to suffer so that his Bride, the Church, might be radiant with glory. Do not think that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ was done with grim resignation or merely out of duty. It was the unselfish heart of love that was willing to pay the ultimate price for his Bride's benefit.    

 

There are a lot of men who would stand between their wives and an intruder to offer protection. But those same men, though chivalrous in protection, would not think of adjusting their schedule or career or outside interests for their  wives. Sacrifice may come in many areas. Yes, protection of one's wife is included, but it also involves the sacrifice of  his energies, goals, time, and interests in his wife's best interest.


Loving your wife requires that you become a man of God in the home, serving to give wise spiritual guidance and leadership. This command to love your wife cannot be fulfilled if you are not developing in your ability to love through your union with Christ. The sensitivities developed through spiritual maturity will have a corresponding affect upon the Christian marriage. 

 

The negative way of expressing love implies that you will not be embittered against your wife: "and do not be embittered against them." The term "embittered" means being sharp, harsh, or speaking with friction. The tenderness of love dispels the practice of harshness. Some scholars suggest that the term implies that the husband vents his bitterness and frustrations from other areas of life upon his wife. Such a practice is to stop. That may be in view, though it is quite likely that in the crucible of marriage, as all of the graces of life are tested in close proximity with each other, that the husband might react to his wife's shortcomings or failures to meet his expectations in some area. So Paul sets forth the negative as well as the positive. He is not to have a love that is merely internal, but one that shows up in the outward looks, gentle touches, and kind words.     

 

The husband loving his wife will avoid misusing his role as head in a self-serving or dictatorial way. Agape love seeks to meet needs and give; it  is not a greedy, grabbing, take-all proposition in life. 

 

As I recently finished reading a 19th century biography of Martin Luther, I was reminded again of how the great Reformer offered a fine example of a Christian marriage. No one would dispute Luther's ability to take charge of any situation. He was strong-willed, tough-minded, and had the capacity to press important issues to a point of decision. But alongside Luther was his beloved wife, Katie. She was every bit as strong as Luther! She knew when to reel him in, how to enhance his strengths, and what he needed to endure the many battles he faced. But Luther also knew how to affirm his Katie, sending her love notes, opening his heart to her, and engaging her in the warmest of conversations. Her submissiveness was not a timid, mousy, never-get-involved life. She was at the center of his life, a helpmeet of the highest model. And he faithfully exercised his headship in the marriage, demonstrating an unfailing love for Katie above all earthly relationships and finding her counsel to him full of wisdom. 

 

Conclusion


That is the kind of marriage we see set forth in simplicity in our text. Loving husbands and submissive wives, demonstrating the relationship of Christ and his Bride, is what the Scripture calls for.     

 

Sanctification affects all of life. To exclude the marriage relationship (if you are married) from your spiritual development implies a gross neglect of sanctification. As you grow in Christ, may you also grow in practicing the love and submission necessary to a Christian marriage.

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