SANCTIFICATION: A NEW FAMILY

Part 2

COLOSSIANS 3:20-21

JANUARY 9, 2000

 

Parenting is a full-time job. It offers no vacation or off-days until the children under their charge are on their own. There may be lulls and breaks along the way, but the intensity of parenting can rival any type of employment for concentration and demand. Parenting can take a mom and dad into the emotional stratosphere or plummet them into the deepest abyss. Exhilaration on one hand and heart-wrenching agony on the other can weave their way into the fabric of home life. At the very best, parents and children are still sinners, affected by the Fall, and imperfect in both giving direction and following. Yet it is in this setting that the Lord has placed us for our further sanctification.

 

We have noted that sanctification takes place in every arena of life. Paul demonstrates this clearly as he walks us through the crucible of our passions and relationships so that Christ might be formed in us. Each of us are tried and tested in all areas. But perhaps the realm of the greatest demand for some is found in the parent-child relationship. This can be true for both parents and children in the home.

 

Our imperfections are magnified in the home. We see each other at our best and at our worst. The smiles that might be normal in a crowd can turn to sour looks in the home. The pretense of being under control while in public might give way to out of control behavior in the home. Yet if there is any area of life in which we need to demonstrate grace it is in the home.

 

The parent-child relationship often tests the quality of our character. Each member in the home has a different personality from the other. Each has its own peculiarities. There is no cookie-cutter approach to dealing with any child or parent. The close proximity of home life becomes the laboratory to develop in sanctification.

 

John Stott points out that in this particular passage, Paul is dealing with the subject of the rule of Christ over all of life. "Let the peace of Christ rule your hearts...let the word of Christ richly dwell within you...whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus" (3:15-17). Stott writes, "So the underlying question is, How can a Christian child express his or her desire to serve the Lord Jesus" [BST: Colossians, 162]. The same is true for parents, how can Christian parents express their desire to serve Christ even in the home?

 

I think it is clear that Paul was not laying down an order for society in general. He addresses the Christian community specifically on how children and parents are to live in relationship to each other as visible expressions of true Christianity. He points out how Christians are to uniquely live under Christ's Lordship in the most intimate relationships of life. The simplicity of Paul's instructions offers clear guidance for family relationships. Let us consider the divine directives for parents and children.

 

I. A Word to Children

 

It is significant to see that the children were addressed specifically in this epistle. The past 20 or 30 years has witnessed a movement to segregate children from the rest of the church as though they cannot learn or be interested in biblical worship. Such an idea would never have been part of the early church. Children joined parents in worship.

 

They were a significant part of the Christian community and therefore had responsibilities along with the adults. How would they demonstrate to the world about them the reality of their faith in Christ? It is best evidenced in a child's obedience to his parents in the home.

 

1. The primacy of obedience

 

We must clear from our minds the idea that "obedience" is some type of servile word reserved only for indentured servants. Jesus told us that love for him could only be demonstrated through obedience: "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (John 14:15). John adds, "For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome" (I John 5:3). Love and obedience belong together in relationship to the Lord; and the same is true in relationship to parents.

 

There is a question as to who is meant in the word "children." Does he mean those who are too young to think for themselves? Does this imply those who are already grown and out of the home? It seems that he means those "children who are growing up and are still subject to their parents...rather than those who have already grown up. They are addressed as responsible persons within the congregation" [Peter T. O'Brien, Word Biblical Commentary: Colossians, Philemon, 224]. There is a totally different sort of relationship between grown children and their parents. The apron strings are cut and parents are there to be encouragers and good sources for counsel, not directing the daily steps of those who are grown. But those still under the parents' charge must recognize the necessity of following after their direction.

 

The obedience called for is "to your parents." Why must you obey your parents? First, God has called for this kind of diligent obedience. It is impossible to please God as a child without obeying your parents. Second, in the providence of God, he has given you the very parents who are yours. You would not be in the world if it were not for God's goodness in placing you in your home. Think about that for a moment: the Almighty God who created the vastness of the universe has by his own choice given you life through your parents and left you to their charge. Third, your ability to make wise decisions and choose good direction in life is still being formed. Maturity does not come because you reach a certain age. It comes by walking through the rugged demands of life, including those given to us by our parents.

 

Some kids get the idea that the ideal life would be without parents making any demands upon them or telling them what to do, how to act, or what they cannot do. For some, that is freedom. But on the contrary, it is just the opposite of freedom. It is the most enslaving life possible. Your own personal sense of security is established by living under the authority of your parents. Take that away and you will have incredible fears or trauma as adults.

 

How serious should you be about obedience? The Bible declares, "Children, be obedient to your parents in all things." That is all encompassing! This demonstrates the breadth of your obedience-in all things. The word used for "be obedient" is a compound word that literally means, "to hear under." The implication is that your obedience is to be much more than just rigidly trying to follow the rules of your home. Instead, it means that you are to first listen to your parent's instructions. Hear what they are saying and even think through on why they are saying it. At times a parent's instruction may be hard to understand. You might not see a reason for what they are demanding. Let me tell you something to try that will boggle your parents' mind the next time they make a demand on your life and you do not understand why they are doing so. With great humility, tell them that you are going to obey exactly what they have told you to do, but would they help you learn by taking the time to explain why they made that particular demand. Do not be haughty about this or sarcastic. Instead, seek to truly learn from them so that you might in turn learn to make wise decisions yourself.

 

In obedience, you are not only hearing but you are also subjecting yourself to your parents' authority over your lives. They have responsibility before God for giving you wise guidance. The term that was used of wives being subject to their husbands was different from this word in a couple of ways. Submission means to place yourself under someone. The use of the middle voice in the Greek verb implies that it is a voluntary submission. Here the word is much stronger and carries the idea of "a readiness to hear and has in it the sense of obeying orders" [Curtis Vaughan, Bible Study Commentary, 106]. It is also a present tense verb that means you are to do this consistently. Obedience is to be the pattern of your life.

 

2. The motivation for obedience

 

Let's face it: sometimes we struggle with obeying our parents. They make demands upon us that we just do not want to follow. So what are we to do? We can rebel and become disobedient, but to do so always has built in consequences. We may or may not be punished by our parents for our disobedience, but we can be assured that disobedience carries with it built-in consequences. The biblical axiom is so true: we reap what we sow.

 

If you are looking only at the immediate consequence of disobedience, some sort of punishment, then you have failed to see how disobedience affects you down the road. You are being shaped for the future right now. When you choose to rebel against your parents' demands then you are borrowing trouble for your future. You are failing to learn the freedom and joy found in hearing and obeying. Some of the most valuable training you will have in hearing and obeying the Lord comes through doing the same with your parents. Instead by disobedience, you are opting for the short-term desire and entangling your life in bondage.

 

The motivation given for obedience is quite simple: "for this is well-pleasing to the Lord." "Well-pleasing" implies that it is commendable or favorable. We might simply say God likes this kind of obedience. The reason it is so commendable to God is because in order for you to follow faithfully the instructions of your parents, then you must trust in the Lord. You are demonstrating trust in the Lord.

 

Did you realize that obedience goes against the human nature? When Adam and Eve entered into sin, they passed along to the whole human race the desire to rebel against authority and to choose to disobey. So it takes strength and grace from the Lord to obey. Obedience is certainly not always easy. Sometimes we have internal battles with our emotions and desires. This is when we must call upon the Lord to help us follow through in obedience. It is also helpful to think upon what God has told us to do in his Word.

 

The prepositional phrase, "to the Lord," is better translated, "in the Lord." What Paul means is that your obedience to your parents is because of your desire to please the Lord. Your desire to please him must be even greater than your desire to please your parents. You want to please the Lord when you have entered into a relationship with him through faith in Christ. Then obedience to the God-ordained authority of your parents is really focused more upon the Lord than even upon them. Let me explain why this is important. As hard as your parents try, they will still make mistakes. They are imperfect people and may even disappoint you. But if your focus is on obeying your parents for the sake of the Lord, then even when they might disappoint you or even when they might do something wrong, you can go on obeying them because of your relationship to the Lord.

 

Let me back up to the phrase "in all things" before we look at God's command to the parents. How far does "in all things" mean? First, remember that Paul is addressing Christian families, not the families of the world in general. He "does not contemplate unchristian attitudes on the part of parents" in this context [Vaughan, 107]. The brevity of Paul's commands demonstrates that he believes Christians will be able to distinguish when and how any exceptions might occur. Second, your obedience to the Lord must be the greatest priority in your life. If your parents demand something of you that is clearly against what God has spoken in his Word, only then do you have the right to not obey them. You must follow what Peter and the apostles did with the Jewish authorities that were over them and asked them to not speak anymore about Christ: "We must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). Peter later told Christians to submit to the governing authorities. So he was not promoting anarchy, but saying that the exception comes only when the command of your parents directly violates the command of God.

 

II. A Word to Parents

 

Parents, it is good to know that we are being sanctified even in the work of parenting! So we too must give care to follow the biblical instruction so that our parenting might reflect the Lordship of Christ over our lives.

 

There is a question as to whether Paul is speaking only to "fathers" or whether he is using this in a more generic sense to refer to "parents." The common practice of the Roman empire of Paul's day was for fathers to be considered Patria Potestes, i.e., "the power of the Father." Mothers did not have the same authority. By this Roman law, a father had complete power over his children to do with them, as he desired. He could expose them at birth so that they died or sell them into slavery or even take their lives. Fathers often left the rearing of children to the work of his slaves.

 

The word "fathers" is used in Hebrews 11:23 of Moses' parents rather than just his father. While that is not a direct parallel to this text, it does help us to understand that Paul may have had parents in mind rather than just fathers in his commands. Having said that, I do think there is a special emphasis on fathers at this point because it seems that fathers are the ones who are guiltier of exasperating their children than the mothers. Much of this comes from the mothers being around their children constantly and the fathers on a more limited basis. So while this passage certainly is applicable to both the father and mother, it seems to speak with special poignancy to fathers.

 

1. A case against harshness

 

The command Paul gives is quite direct and forceful: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." The word he uses for "exasperate" means to provoke or to irritate or to excite in a negative fashion or to embitter. It is used one other time in the NT in a good sense of exciting others to great zeal (II Cor. 9:2), but here the usage is definitely negative. Weymouth translates it, "do not fret and harass your children." Phillips offers the translation, "don't overcorrect." Maybe Eadie's explanation will help us see what he means, "The twig is to be bent with caution, not broken in the efforts of a rude and hasty zeal" [Vaughan, 108].

 

The Apostle is not counseling against exercising discipline or correction with your children. Rick Melick explains, "If correction were needed, it should have been toward the behavior of the child, not the child's personhood, and it should have been enforced quickly. Discipline was not to be prolonged so that nagging occurred" [NAC, 315]. Nor is he advocating a "hands-off" concept of parenting so that independence comes before proper maturing. Instead he instructs parents to carry out their duties without an undue attitude of contempt or harshness that would stifle the personality of the child.

 

John Newton, the writer of "Amazing Grace" and many other hymns, lived with this kind of father who exasperated the young John. His mother was a godly lady who sought to teach him properly, but she died when John was seven years old. His seafaring father returned home, married again, but without Christ in his life, he had little to offer the young fellow. He taught him morality in general but he had little to do with helping to shape John's life for good. Newton records,

 

Though my father left me much to run about the streets [this was the supposed freedom I spoke of earlier], yet, when under his eye, he kept me at a great distance. I am persuaded he loved me, but he seemed not willing that I should know it. I was with him in a state of fear and bondage. His sternness, together with the severity of my schoolmaster, broke and overawed my spirit, and almost made me a dolt [blockhead]; so that part of the two years I was at school, instead of making a progress, I nearly forgot all that my good mother had taught me [Works of John Newton, vol. 1, p. 4].

From the time he was about eleven years old, John Newton went to sea with his father and then later with a family friend. Though his mother had taught him the catechism, hymns, and other truths, he had no spirit left in him so that he went the way of wickedness. He was blasphemous in his speech and wayward in his behavior. Much of the reason was due to his father "breaking the twig" instead of carefully bending it. His harshness, keeping his distance, and lack of intimacy with John Newton had a detrimental affect on his teenage and young adult years.

 

John MacArthur gives a lengthy treatment on ways that parents can exasperate their children. Let me recount these in brief: Parents can exasperate their children

1. by overprotection

2. by showing favoritism

3. by depreciating their worth

4. by setting unrealistic goals

5. by failing to show affection

6. by not providing for their needs

7. by a lack of standards

8. by criticism

9. by neglect

10. by excessive discipline [MacArthur New Testament Commentary, 171-173].

It is important that we regularly evaluate ourselves as parents in how we are treating our children. A child might walk straight as an arrow due to fear of a parent, but if he has no spirit left in him, then the parent has failed to prepare the child for the future. Our goal must be much more than to get a child through high school and keep him out of jail! We must seek to "train him up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

 

2. Instill a zeal for life

 

The negative side of this command for parents is not exasperating children "so that they will not lose heart." Stated positively, so exercise your duties as parents that your children have a zeal for life. The phrase used by Paul, "lose heart," means to become spiritless or to be without courage. Lightfoot translates it as, "to go about their task in a listless, moody, sullen frame of mind" [Linguistic Key, 582]. We might think of it as throwing water upon the flame for life. It implies that a parent is so cold, stern, harsh, and rigid that a child's strength is sapped, his drive for positive achievements gone, and his hope for the future shattered. He exists and that is about it. His one goal in life is to get out from under such tyranny. Often, those who come out of such a setting become the most rebellious and wretched men and women imaginable.

 

The parents that are grouchy or irritable all the time set the stage for their children losing heart. This kind of parent may do fine in the public arena, but typically is hard to live with at home. It is like the "cartoon in which the boss is grouchy to his employee, who in turn comes home and is irritable with the children. His son, in turn, kicks the dog. The dog runs down the street and bites the first person he sees-the boss!" [Kent Hughes, PTW Colossians, 126]. Taking life's hard knocks out on spouse or children demonstrates that we are not resting in the Lord's providence but trying to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. Our text is a warning marker for us to address that kind of attitude and practice in our lives.

 

What about the need for discipline and correction in a child? Does this cause them to lose heart? This is where the parents must see the bigger picture. If we discipline a child only for immediate gratification, then we have missed the point of corrective discipline. Disciplining a child is to be for the child's sake not for our satisfaction, just as the Lord disciplines us for our good that we might share his holiness (Hebrews 12:10). What are we doing to train a child and to truly correct some area of behavior through the act of discipline? Those are questions we must ask rather than just exercising corporal punishment without thought.

 

A few thoughts along this line might be helpful for discipline:

 

1. We must distinguish between what is childish or youthful behavior and what is defiant rebellion. One deserves training, the other appropriate punishment.

 

2. We must make sure that a child understands the reason he or she is being disciplined. For that matter, we must make sure that we know the reason as well.

 

3. We must seek to understand the so-called "bent" of the child, his personality, so that we can train and correct within the confines of that particular child's capacity. All children are not the same! Within each family, children differ. That means we cannot treat each one exactly the same way. To do so will certainly exasperate some.

 

4. We must train and discipline with a view toward the child learning to trust and love Jesus Christ. He must come to understand the price of sin and rebellion against God.

 

Conclusion

 

Living with each other in the family demands that we look to Christ to shape our lives and to enable us to treat one another with Christian love. Those who are being fitted for Heaven should sense a greater responsibility to show some of Heaven in the home.

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