Family Foundation
Exodus 20:12
May 28, 2006

            Greek mythology recounts the story of the Greek frustration to capture the city of Troy, and the beautiful prisoner Helen, because they could not breach the city's walls. The goddess Athene inspired one of the Greek's to build a giant wooden horse with a cavernous belly, so that soldiers might gain hidden entrance to the city. To carry out the ruse effectively, the Grecian ships with their troops sailed from the coast, as though giving up on again attacking Troy. They set fire to their campsite, leaving behind only ashes and a giant wooden horse. When the citizens of Troy investigated, they saw no trace of the Grecian army but only the giant wooden horse. The sight of the giant horse by the seacoast left them in silent amazement. Finally, the silence broke, when Thymoetes declared the horse to be a gift to Athene. A few dissenting voices warned that it was a trick, that Athene had long favored the Greeks. So the horse must be burned! But warnings faded by the persuasiveness of its supporters. Additionally, the Greeks had planted Sinon, one of their own, who deceived the leaders of Troy by explaining that the wooden horse was left behind to placate the angry Athene. Asked why so large of a horse, Sinon replied, "To prevent you from bringing it into the city." Once that happened, he continued, the people of Troy would be able to conquer the Greeks.

            They bought the lie. Bringing the horse into the city, the people of Troy exhausted themselves in a night of revelry and celebration. Overcome by the thought of new power and freedom, they let down their guard and cast care to the wind. Ignoring the warnings of accepting the gift of the Greeks left them vulnerable to destruction from within. The Greeks conquered Troy, reclaimed Helen, and destroyed the city. In the succeeding ages, the Trojan horse has become a metaphor for self-deceit leading to destruction from within [The Greek Myths, vol. II, 617-635].

                        A Trojan horse crept into our society in the 1960s in the form of a revolution calling for love and peace. Of course, the meaning of "love and peace" had nothing to do with love and peace! It had to do with overturning authority at every level and removing all moral restraints. One of those heavily involved in it described that period as "the generation that destroyed the American family." She explained the Trojan horse effect. "We might not have been able to tear down the state, but the family was closer. We could get our hands on it. And...we believed that the family was the foundation of the state, as well as the collective state of mind.... We truly believed that the family had to be torn apart to free love, which alone could heal the damage done when the atom was split to release energy. And the first step was to tear ourselves free from our parents" [Annie Gottlieb, quoted by Philip Ryken, Written in Stone, 117]. The leaders of this movement understood that to overturn society, the family must be destroyed. Bit by bit, piece by piece, the family erosion continues.

            The authority structures in society succeed or fail by what happens in the home. Taking a look at the western world, we see that the home faces constant bombardment from every angle. Yet, God calls us to honor Him through honoring His design for the home as the basic building block for society. How do we honor God in the home?

I. Heavy life

            We use the term "heavy" metaphorically in describing something that is weighty or important or serious; something worth our undivided attention and response. In this sense, we are to see the home as a heavy life. The Lord calls for a sense of "heaviness" in the home, i.e., that we understand the gravity of the relationships and responsibilities designed by the Creator for the home. That's what is involved in the term "honor" and implied in this commandment.

            1. Basics

            "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you." The Hebrew word kaved carries the basic meaning of "weighty" or "heavy." It's the same word that is used over and over in the Old Testament for the glory of God, that is "for the weightiness of his divine majesty" [Ryken 119]. How do we respond to the glory of God? The Old Testament priests prostrated themselves before God's glory. Elijah hid his face from the sight of God's glory. Isaiah called down woes upon himself at the consciousness of God's holiness and glory. In each case, the heaviness of the moment brought about a response that acknowledged the unique authority of the Lord God over men.

            While the honor given to parents is not comparable to that given to the Lord, it is at least represented to us by degrees. To honor father and mother is "to respect, esteem, value, and prize" them "as gifts from God" [Ryken 119]. They are not treated as God but rather as His gifts to the home.

            The foundational relationship in the home is also spelled out for us in this commandment: "honor your father and your mother." Specifically, both father and mother, male and female, are needed to rightly lead and nurture the home. Of course, the home is under regular attack by those declaring that two men or two women are just as capable to give the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual nurturing to children in the home as a husband and his wife. Yet in this most basic foundation for all moral considerations, the one commandment that directly affects the parent/child relationship makes it clear that complimentary roles of father and mother are necessary in the home.  That is why divorce among parents leaves such a heavy toll among children. It gives absolutely no place for the so-called homosexual marriage to provide stability in the home. God has so designed us in our infancy, childhood, and adolescence, that we need the regular influence of our father and mother. Where this is lacking, as countless sociological and psychological research has proven, instability, and problems of every stripe reign. In God's kindness, where by His providence the death of a parent has taken place, then He becomes a father to the fatherless.

            2. Branches of honor

            Let's consider the idea of honoring father and mother, and what that entails. Though more can be added, I want to deal with this in three categories: respect, obedience, and care.

            (1) Respect

            Foundational to honoring our parents is the respect that we show to them privately and publicly. Respect is an attitude, but it is not necessarily a silent attitude. It involves attentiveness when your parents speak, listening to them to discern the wisdom and insights that they offer, and hearing their instructions about life. Unless something comes along on the part of the parent to uproot respect, from an early age, children have an innate sense of respect toward their parents. Their love for and dependence upon their parents nurtures respect. Yet something may come along changing this. It may be on the part of the parents, such as moral failure or a divorce or bitterness taking root in their lives. It can also happen on the part of the child, in that his fondness for his parents is replaced by his intense desire for the things of the world. When that happens, the child becomes embittered because the parent appears to be the one obstacle standing in his way to really enjoying all that life offers.

            But God calls for us to honor our father and mother. In so doing, we receive instruction from them with a consciousness that they are a gift of God to us. That doesn't mean that your parents speak without error; or that they are always correct in their assessments of life's situations. But it does mean that in God's wisdom and providence in His design for your life, He has entrusted you to your parents so that they might be instruments for shaping your character and your future. I think Brian Edwards is correct when speaking of how difficult things can be at times with sinful parents and children. "And it is just because the home is the hardest place to maintain consistent respect for each other that God places the marker there. This value and respect should begin in the home because that is the hardest place of all to maintain it consistently" [The Ten Commandments for Today, 165]. Even when parents are less than respectable, we are called to honor them. We do not have to be like them; but we can still honor them by the way we speak to them, the way we listen to them, and the way we speak of them to others. As we grow older, respect is found in the way we seek their counsel in life's important decisions and the appreciation we show them.

            (2) Obedience

            Since parents are the first line of instruction, honoring them calls for obedience to their authority in the home. Paul put it, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Eph. 6:1). Obedience recognizes God-given authority and submits to it "in the Lord" or for the Lord's sake. It's interesting the way the mind works. Usually when this commandment is presented, our first reaction is, "But what if my parents tell me to do something that is wrong?" The exception to obedience toward parents is topped only by our obedience to higher authority, namely, in this case, the authority of the Lord and when in concert with God's laws, the authority of the state. Yet, how often do parents, even those that are pretty lousy at their job, tell their children to do things that are wrong? I know that it happens, but certainly not most of the time, and especially among those that are schooled in the Word of God, it should be the rare exception that a child needs to question the parents' command. So, honoring your parents implies your obedience.

            (3) Care

            While younger children can demonstrate honor to their parents by helping them around the home, offering to assist in the constant demands involved in keeping up a household, it seems that with aging, honor shifts focus to that of caring for parents. Instead of looking to parents for nurturing, the children, now grown and probably having their own families, must consider how to care for their parents as they mature in years. Care can be shown by paying attention to parents, calling them, visiting them, and giving them eye-to-eye contact. The way we treat our parents will likely be the way that our children will treat us as we age. Joy Davidman recounts one of Grimm's fairy tales as a piercing illustration.

       Once upon a time there was a little old man. His eyes blinked and his hands trembled; when he ate he clattered the silverware distressingly, missed his mouth with the spoon as often as not, and dribbled a bit of his food on the tablecloth. Now he lived with his married son, having nowhere else to live, and his son's wife was a modern young woman who knew that in-laws should not be tolerated in a woman's home.

       "I can't have this," she said. "It interferes with a woman's right to happiness."

       So she and her husband took the little old man gently but firmly by the arm and led him to the corner of the kitchen. There they set him on a stool and gave him his food, what there was of it, in an earthenware bowl. From then on he always ate in the corner, blinking at the table with wistful eyes.

       One day his hands trembled rather more than usual, and the earthenware bowl fell and broke.

       "If you are a pig," said the daughter-in-law, "you must eat out of a trough." So they made him a little wooden trough, and he got his meals in that.

       These people had a four-year-old son of whom they were very fond. One suppertime the young man noticed his boy playing intently with some bits of wood and asked what he was doing.

       "I'm making a trough," he said, smiling up for approval, "to feed you and Mamma out of when I get big."

       The man and his wife looked at each other for a while and didn't say anything. Then they cried a little. Then they went to the corner and took the little old man by the arm and led him back to the table. They sat him in a comfortable chair and gave him his food on a plate, and from then on nobody ever scolded when he clattered or spilled or broke things [Smoke on the Mountain, 60-61].

            3. Honorable parents

            This commandment also speaks to parents. It is not a club to wave over a child's head, demanding his total submission. It is the Lord God that has spoken, calling for obedience and honor toward parents, and with that, the call for parents to be honorable. That begins by recognizing each child's uniqueness as a gift from God. One of the common problems with many of the parenting books is a "one-size-fits-all" approach to parenting. While there are ample principles that we find in Scripture regarding our role as parents, we must pay special attention to the unique personality, gifts, deficiencies, strengths and leanings of each child. The Amplified Bible's translation of Proverbs 22:6 is helpful. "Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it." It's not that we try to relive our desires through the child but that we pay enough attention to see how God is uniquely working in that particular child. Where does that child need to develop? How can we, as parents, help to shape the child's thinking, interests, and discipline? This may be the hardest work that we face as parents. It involves interaction with our children and often, the willingness to risk being misunderstood by them, and maybe even our own parents, in order to give them the best direction for their lives.

            Honorable parents do not attempt to be their child's best friend but continue being his parent. Parents are the primary models for their children. That involves modeling how to live the Christian life, faithfulness as husband and wife, integrity and work ethic, teachability, servant-heartedness, and respecting authority. It also means that parents must set the example of developing mind and heart, giving attention to improving thinking skills, wrestling with the important issues of the day, standing upon the eternal truths of the Word of God, and growing in relationships. "If we wish our children to honor us," as Joy Davidman explained, "we must ourselves set the example of honor" [68].

II. Promising life

            Paul calls the 5th commandment, "the first commandment with a promise" (Eph. 6:2). He compresses both the Exodus and Deuteronomy statements. "Honor your father and mother... so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth."

            1. General promise

            What is given is not an absolute that guarantees that you will live to be in your nineties! Rather it is a general promise that affects you and the society in which you live. For the Israelites just out of Egypt, God's promise, "that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you," spoke volumes. They did not have their own land, except that which the Lord had given to them. How long they would remain in the land would be affected by the obedience and honor in their homes. The way of blessing is the way of obedience; that's what Israel needed to understand as they prepared for the new land. And that is still true for us.

            Perhaps we see this best in the Proverbs as we have the wise father giving counsel to his son. "My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you" (3:1-2). This passage illustrates what is found throughout the Proverbs, that listening to and applying the wisdom of your parents will have an affect on the duration and quality of your life. Walking in the way of deceivers or adulterers or thieves or partnering with the foolish lead to broken lives, and often to death. The way of wisdom is always the way of righteousness that affects every aspect of your life.

            2. No trivial issue

            Honoring parents was never considered a small thing in ancient Israel. The Old Testament gives its sternest warnings for children that disregard their parents and choose to go their own ways. As Brian Edwards explained, "With all the concern we have today, and rightly so, about child abuse, we are in danger of forgetting that God's first concern was for the abuse of parents by children" [167]. The civil law in Israel remedied the problem. "He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death" (Ex. 21:15). "He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death" (Ex. 21:17). "If there is anyone who curses his father or his mother, he shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother, his bloodguiltiness is upon him" (Lev. 20:9). "If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them, then his father and mother shall seize him, and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gateway of his hometown. They shall say to the elders of his city, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death; so you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all Israel will hear of it and fear" [Deut. 21:18-21). Notice that the son's disobedience affected not only the family but the entire community, so that all are involved in removing him. Though we don't have any New Testament precedent for carrying out this kind of sobering discipline, we do understand by this that God considers a child's treatment of his parents as no trivial matter.

            The New Testament furthers this by showing that disobedience in the home is a sure sign of society's depravity. The downward spiral of degeneration painted in Romans one includes those who are "slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents" (Rom. 1:30). Paul warned that in the last times "men will be...disobedient to parents" (2 Tim. 3:2). Jesus reserved some of His strongest rebukes to the religious leaders of Israel that neglected honoring father and mother by clever claims of spirituality. He called them hypocrites that honor God with their lips but "their heart is far away from Me" (Matt. 15:1-9). In all of Scripture, honoring your father and your mother is always weighty to God who established this authority in the home.

III. Authority is a good word

            Honor and authority do not stop with the home. It begins there in the earliest years, but it spreads out into all of society. Students of Scripture, confessions, catechisms, and commentators through the centuries agree that the 5th commandment serves as the foundation for understanding the right place of God-given authority in every realm of life, whether home, church, school, work, or state. That's why the implications of the 5th commandment remain essential to the entire framework of our lives.

            1. Structures of authority

            God has so created us and so ordered humanity that we must recognize authority or fall prey to ourselves and the sinful world about us. Anarchy is bound up in the human heart so that we find ourselves balking at submitting our wills to law in the home or community. God-given authority restrains evil. It maintains civility and promotes proper freedom. Yet the native inclinations of the heart resist and argue with submitting to anyone. Ultimately, that's why it is only as our hearts are subdued by Jesus Christ the Lord that we find freedom in properly responding to authority. As we are crucified with Christ, our sinful desires dying with Him, and the reins of our hearts given over to Christ as Lord, then we find an incredible freedom within God-given authority.

            Tedd Tripp has captured the right aim for parental authority in the home in Shepherding a Child's Heart. The title of his excellent book summarizes what parents must seek to do: "You exercise authority as God's agent. You may not direct your children for your own agenda or convenience. You must direct your children in God's behalf for their good....The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God" [13-14].

            Even in a Roman world ruled by godless men, Paul and Peter called upon Christians and all men "to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God" (Rom. 13:1; 1 Pet. 2:13-17). Yet if one does not bend his will to parental authority in the home, it is not likely that he will do the same in the broadening circles of authority found throughout society. Here is one of the most practical matters that any child or young person can learn. By God's design, as you honor your parents with respect and obedience, you are being trained and prepared to value authority throughout your life. Even when obedience is difficult, you are learning to discipline yourself rather than to indulge in your sinful desires. That will stay with you later in life.

            2. Getting over the hump

            Let me address our children as I conclude. Beside loving and obeying the Lord, the most important practice in your life is honoring your parents. Sometime that's hard to do because you just don't want to or because your parents' desires and your desires don't match. So, what do you do? Even with their faults—and every parent has them—God has put your parents in authority over you for your good. You may have difficulty at times realizing this but it is important to believe what God has spoken.

            My family used to have an old barn with rooms along the hallway. One room had a lock on it. I used to put my eye to the slits in the wall and try to figure out what treasures lay hidden in the room. I could see pieces of rusted metal, rounded objects, and wires but I really couldn't see the whole picture until the day came that the door was opened and I walked in. Some of the things that I thought might be valuable were nothing but junk! Other things, that I had not noticed, proved to be treasures from my family's past.

            Right now you are looking through the slits of life. There are things that intrigue and interest you but you do not see the whole picture clearly. Some of the things that intrigue you may be opportunities; some are dangers; some are junk. But until the door is opened by the maturity of years, you will only see bits and pieces, not knowing what are opportunities and what are dangers. God has given your parents the maturity to see life more clearly. So when they make demands on you, they are doing what God has entrusted them to do for you until the time comes that the door of adulthood opens, and you see clearly and are able to make wise choices.

            Meanwhile, honor your father and your mother that it may go well with you.

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